I recently created a useful tool for finding out if I was in the right relationship with the right person. I’ve called it the Relationship Checker.
It came about because I was getting tired of never knowing if my current beau is the right one for me. Always led by my heart and less so my head, I tend to go round and round in circles as to whether i’m in the right relationship in my mind. I also have pretty high standards (or so it feels sometimes) and therefore I question if i’m overly hard on my romantic partners. Do I judge them by the high standards I set myself, or am I simply just always with the wrong guy, setting myself up for disappointment?
My Relationship Checker fits in neatly with some personal development work i’ve been doing on myself recently. Aged 36 and ready to settle down I’ve been looking into what my dream life looks like, visualising what it is that I truly want! I am exploring how I can cultivate and build that dream life. I don’t want to feel like i’m always pushing water up hill!
So my handy little Relationship Checker helped me get more insight into whether my current relationship(s) were going to enrich my journey to building the Dream Life I have been wanting for such a long time (although admittedly its taken me nearly 10 years to be able to allow myself to want it).
A lot of the time, we get distracted from our goals and this steers us away from achieving the life we always wanted – or the life we wanted but never thought in a million years we could get. One of the biggest distractions is romantic relationships. We get sucked into the romance of a new love interest and often ignore the red flags that show us this person isn’t the right one for you.
Yup that’s right.
Love IS blind. It’s beautiful, crazy, chaotic, an emotional rollercoaster – it’s an elixir of happiness, sexiness and joy all rolled into one. It takes us away from the emptiness inside and fills us with something incredible. Pure Love.
Or so it seems.
Love is actually just a drug. And it forms an addiction like all the others.
What i’m trying to say here is, and i’m sorry if it’s a bit depressing but love is complicated. And we can’t rely on sourcing it in its pure form from another human being. We have to find it within ourselves. You’ve all heard the quote about having to love yourself first before you can truly be loved?
Well I think this quote goes one better:
Romantic love is not and will never be enough to be everything.
If we constantly choose relationships because of love (and its closely aligned sister, lust) – like I often have – then if we’re incredibly lucky it might work out and be the right relationship for you. But if (like me), you’ve always wondered where you keep going wrong, then perhaps its because you have these big bold scary and awesome dreams, but at the same time you keep falling in love with a person who isn’t going to help you achieve those dreams.
Also, the love you have for each other might be based on the un-aligned, un-truthful inner versions of yourselves. If you haven’t yet discovered the path to loving yourself, then perhaps you don’t yet truly know yourself. I didn’t.
Perhaps this goes some way to explaining this typical cycle of love and heartache.
YOU FALL IN LOVE >> YOU FEEL OH SO MUCH JOY >> IT OVERWHELMS YOU >> YOU GET INSECURE >> START ARGUING ALOT >> YOU FEEL SAD & BLUE >> ANXIETY KICKS IN >> YOU WANT TO RUN AWAY >> MAYBE YOU LEAVE >> YOU FEEL REALLY SHAKY >> YOU REALISE THAT YOU GAVE IT UP TOO QUICKLY >> YOU FEEL LOST >> EMPTY INSIDE >> YOU END UP GIVING IT ANOTHER GO >> CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN….
This perpetual cycle can torment you and exacerbate how you feel, making you convinced you’re actually MORE IN LOVE with this person that what you actually really are. You chase that feeling of a love high again and again, to fill the dark void of your soul.
If it does, then it might just be that you haven’t yet completed your own journey to finding that all important love within. And that’s no bad thing – it just means you have this wonderful journey to begin!
This is a big and complicated subject and if you’re struggling with a co-dependency issue then that’s something i’d recommend you start to research and explore.
Perhaps you’ll benefit from some therapy or specialist coaching to work through it and develop a way to de-attach or loosen the addiction.
Reading books and articles is a great way to start, and for those serious about exploring the reasons behind this pattern of behaviour there’s even group meetings you can attend (www.slaauk.org/).
None of this journey to breaking free from a co-dependency relationship is easy. I’ve been working on myself in this area for over 10 years. But you have to be ready to and prepared to dedicate yourself for change, and I promise you, there is only one way this can go if you do. And it will change your life!